From Silence to Understanding: Navigating Childhood Experiences and Parental Relationships

Several months ago, my dad and his wife visited me. We were playing games when I made a witty remark, as I often do, hoping to be funny. A friend who was with us asked my dad how he had managed with me as a child. Dad's response was unexpected. He told my friend that I hadn't talked much when I was young. I found this interesting, as I hadn't realized that this was his experience of me. In that moment, I reverted to my childlike self and chose not to say anything. This time, however, it wasn't out of fear; I wanted to reflect on his words and explore whether my experience matched his. I always viewed myself as a goofy child who entertained others with humor. I was an active child, participating in school, theater, sports, and church. I held a job as soon as I was old enough and made friends easily. I enjoyed talking to strangers and loved to include everyone. There were times I was quiet, usually in larger gatherings, situations where I didn’t know the answer, or in the presence of authority. My dad's perspective allowed me to take some time to understand why I was quiet around him. He was a strict father who seemed to have little patience for his children and believed that children should fear their parents. Learning from observing my older siblings and my interactions with him, I knew how to avoid trouble. 

Dad and I shared the same outward experience of me being quiet in his presence, but our internal experiences were completely different. Dad believed that my quietness meant I respected him and was well-behaved, but for me, being quiet was how I stayed safe. I couldn't show him my true self because of the fear I had of him. I believe he missed out on getting to know the real me because of his beliefs about what it means to be a good child. I understand that my being a "good child" might have eased some of his stress. This is where my thoughts could dwell and become stuck, oscillating back and forth in search of answers. 

Some time ago, I wrote a blog post titled “Change Your Thoughts… Bird in the Barn.” If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to do so. The premise is that our thoughts (birds) start nesting in our minds (barns), which typically increases anxiety or depression. The goal is to learn to let thoughts come and go without nesting in our minds. If I find that a thought continually preoccupies me, it means it has begun to form a nest, or perhaps it had already created one that I had suppressed. To release a thought, I must work through it. I can choose to do this alone because I have the necessary tools, or I can reach out to my dad to see if he is willing to work through it with me in a safe and healthy manner. Another option is to seek professional help with a counselor. It is also beneficial to lean on our support network, like friends and partners, to help process these thoughts. If one approach doesn’t work, we can try another. 

For us to be free from our thoughts, it is through understanding and being understood. Understanding doesn't require agreement. It helps us comprehend why something happened or didn’t happen. Being understood provides validation for our experiences and justifies our behaviors. Thoughts nest in our minds when we lack understanding. We often keep these thoughts in hopes of finding answers. If we seek understanding, answers will be provided, and as a result, the birds will start leaving the barn. The past cannot be changed, but with understanding, solutions can be created to prevent its repetition.

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