Unmasking Manipulation: When Roles Are Weaponized in Relationships
“But I’m still your (insert role here)!” If you’ve heard these words after being manipulated and called someone out, or if you’ve heard them after someone has acted weird, mean, and/or controlling towards you... please keep reading. If you’ve said these words after manipulating someone and have been called out, or if you’ve said them after acting weird, mean, and/or controlling... please keep reading. If you are on either end of this spectrum, I want you to recognize that this behavior is weaponizing a role in someone’s life.
Mom. Dad. Husband. Wife. Sister. Friend. These are all roles that we have encountered or carry. These roles come with some sense of power. I have a 14-year-old and was shocked just the other day when she called me “moma”. Not that I’m unaware that she’s, my kid. I have the weight and stretch marks to prove it! In that moment, after she made her request, I was hit with the reality of what my role as “moma” entails. All the roles above come with the opportunity to provide nourishment, guidance, and healing to another person. All these roles, along with many others, come with the responsibility to another life.
I would love to think that everyone recognizes the power in the roles they possess and uses them for the greatest good. Unfortunately, this is not reality. We live in a world where parents abuse their children, siblings hate each other, and friends take advantage of one another. Essentially, they weaponize the very roles that were created to provide protection and love. It is a total brain shake (you know what I really wanted to say here) for the victims. When those who are closest to us are the ones that hurt us the most, what does it look like, Jackie? What do we do?
That is a wonderful question, and I’m thrilled you asked! Weaponizing your role can look like:
Manipulating someone to do something based on a power differential: "I gave birth to you!! The least you can do is…"
Making demands of someone using your title as a sense of entitlement: "I’m your wife! You must share those personal things about yourself!"
Invalidating someone’s thoughts/feelings/actions based on knowledge related to your role: "I’m your father! I know more about this than you could ever know!"
Demanding something of someone because of the identified role without accepting the responsibility of the role: "You have to do this for me! I’m your best friend."
These are just a few examples. I’m sure you can identify many, many others. The results of these actions can include low self-worth, questioning one’s feelings, lacking boundaries, depression, anxiety, struggles in future relationships, people-pleasing, and so much more.
What do I do if I’m in a relationship with someone who’s weaponizing their role, Jackie?
Another great question! If you are in a relationship pattern that’s riddled with manipulation, gaslighting, and constant reminders of the power someone holds over you, set boundaries. If you are reading this and recognize that you are weaponizing your role, set boundaries for yourself. Our roles are to assist and guide, not control, and manipulate. People deserve autonomy. No matter the role you hold, it is not your right to take away autonomy. Boundary-setting can be a difficult task depending on the level of weaponizing. Minors can be at significant risk of harm when setting boundaries. Please seek out help. Recognize that you have value, no matter who you are or the role you have. Make necessary changes and seek out counseling for yourself. You deserve it! Happy healing!
The Halos Counseling Team is here to support you through your discovery of boundaries. Reach out to us to schedule a free consult to determine if we're a good fit for you.