Alone in the Crowd
I’m walking towards the door, heart racing. "Maybe I’ll just leave," I think to myself. Why? I know every person in the house I am getting ready to enter; I’ve known them for years. "All I need to do is find one person to go to once I walk in," I tell myself. I sound crazy even to myself, and I’m not sure what I would label it, if it even needs a label. Anxiety? Being overwhelmed? Lack of confidence? Simply put, I often feel alone in crowds and figured others might feel the same. So, I thought I would share it with you.
I had a conversation with one of my sisters about a party she was about to attend. She said she couldn’t wait to go because one of her joys was going places where there would be many new and interesting people to talk to. My stomach was a ball of nerves just listening to her and imagining having to walk into a crowded room not knowing most of the people. I have a great love and appreciation for people who can talk to anyone. I enjoy when they ask great questions and dig deeper into a conversation. One of the things I do on my way to an event, a friend's house or, honestly, on occasion, on the way to dinner with a family member, is to think of conversation starters in case I find myself struggling with something to say. This can go one of two directions for me. One path, I will ramble excessively about anything and everything. The second path, and the one I fear the most, is the inability to hold a conversation, to not ask questions. The conversation can be one-sided, the other(s) speaking and me not upholding my end of the conversation. Most often in crowds, I am silently present, observing and watching the conversations happening around me.
As I sit in a crowd, I “see people”—and no, I don’t mean ghosts. Who is settled? Who is the person rushing from one group to another? I see the small sighs, the genuine smiles, and even the hidden eye rolls when others are not looking. In doing so, I get to see a side of people they might not show to others. I get to know a piece of them, but they don’t know that extra piece of me. Watching people is not “my thing,” but it’s what I do to make sure I always have a next step or a place I can go. As a conversation is coming to an end, I start feeling overwhelmed with where do I go next? Should I just walk up to a group of people already having a conversation?
In order not to feel alone or overwhelmed in a crowd, I tend to give myself tasks, a to-do list so I don't have to worry. At a party or event, you will often see me clearing dirty plates, helping serve, or washing dishes. At work, for meetings, I’m busy supporting others by getting people what they need, hooking up equipment, etc. Being busy is a natural way to talk to people. “What can I help you with?” “Let me do that for you.” Being busy makes the time go faster, yet at the end of the day, I realize I haven’t connected with anyone through conversation.
People often dismiss my nervousness in crowds and my struggle to speak. I wanted to share just a little of what goes on in my head because I know there are others out in the world that feel the same. I think I hide it well, and I have had 48 years to give myself tools. This is not trauma-based; I am blessed with the best family in the world. It is who I am. I do listen to podcasts and audiobooks to help build my toolbox. I can reason with myself before and after situations but cannot control the feelings; whether anxiety, uncertainty, or guardedness. I float on the outskirts of many crowds of people. Friendly with many, working with some, but more often than not, alone in my head in the crowd.
Sharing my experience, I hope to encourage others to open up about their own. You may need to build your toolbox like I have. As mentioned, there are many podcasts, books, and counseling services available. By no means does this mean that we are less than others; we just have to work a little harder in big crowds.
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