Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion in Support of Overall Well-Being

It is often such a challenge for us to be kind to ourselves and yet it’s a wonderful foundation for living more fully and more engaged with others and our life’s endeavors.

Self-acceptance and self-compassion have been increasingly integrated into the world of counseling and education among other fields. And their importance in overall well-being has long been emphasized in counseling.

Self-acceptance, the idea that we might offer ourselves acceptance for who we are, as we are, including our flaws and our messy lives, has been mostly contrary to what many of us have learned in our world, in our families, and in our schools. How important it can be to acknowledge our worthiness and offer ourselves acceptance. Self-acceptance helps us trust that we belong and that we possess an innate goodness.

Kristin Neff is known for her research on self-compassion. Through her research, she has come to define self-compassion as having three components. The first is self-kindness where we might be gentler and more understanding of ourselves, much as we might offer a close friend. The second part is recognition of our common humanity and encourages the feeling of being connected with others in this experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alone. The third is mindfulness, which is viewing or holding our life experiences, thoughts, and feelings in awareness in a balanced, non-critical or nonjudgemental way.

Through her research, Neff has developed a “test” or measure that you can find on her website (selfcompassion.org) that can help you assess where you might be on aspects of self-compassion. Embracing ourselves and our imperfections makes us more resilient in the face of the unpredictability of life. In more recent years of her work, Neff has added this aspect she calls “fierce” self-compassion in addition to gentle self-compassion, and this is worth a look if you have the opportunity.

Simply put, this points to how self-compassion might also include more action such as protecting, providing, and advocating.

Another important clarification is that self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem. Self-compassion is about accepting yourself as you are right now and being kind to yourself, but self-esteem is more focused on measuring achievements or evaluating yourself in comparison to others. It’s not that we need to toss out all the efforts in the realm of self-esteem. Instead, we might consider how self-compassion is the notion that everyone deserves caring and kindness; we can offer ourselves compassion as well as others. Self-compassion is not based on what we achieve or how we measure up.

Here are a few simple ways to be more self-compassionate; and I’m sure you can think of a few others based on what you already do at times to de-stress.

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Pause for a self-compassion break. Pause, take a deep breath and notice and find some ways to be kind to yourself. It could even be saying to yourself something like “This is a stressful time” or “this is a tough work problem,” for example. Perhaps, say to yourself what you might say to a friend.

Another important part is realizing others experience the kind of struggle you are having and giving space to recognize you are not the only one who has had this experience. That’s what Neff is referring to in “common humanity.” Remind yourself are not alone and that it is part of our human life experience to have distress; sometimes the distress is caused by immensely painful circumstances.

Neff and Germer (2018) and others have an informal practice that uses a small stone. It’s a way to be in the moment or the “here-and-now.” It’s a way to be more mindful and anchored in a moment. You can explore the stone and notice the colors and the physical feel of it. This could be done with other simple objects too. Take time to breathe more deeply. It calms the anxious or distressed self.

Sometimes giving yourself kindness could mean doing something soothing but also could be protecting or validating. Ask yourself what you might need now. It could also something to protect yourself and take some action to do so. This is what Neff calls “fierce” self-compassion. Perhaps, it is more clearly advocating for yourself and/or speaking up about something that is bothering you or advocating for change.

Tara Brach has a mindfulness practice called RAIN. It is a practice that incorporates acceptance and self-compassion. It’s another way of pausing in the midst of something stressful. RAIN is R=recognize, A= allow, I= investigate and N=nurture. It’s a way of being in-the-moment of whatever is happening. It’s another way of seeing or noticing (R), accepting or allowing(A), being curious about what is happening (I), and being kind and attentive to yourself (N).

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Hope you can take a moment or more to pay attention to your well-being, acknowledge your humanity and the messiness of life, and to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

Some notable references (not exhaustive as there are plenty more):
Brach, T. (2019). Radical compassion: Learning to love yourself and your world with the practice of RAIN. New York: Viking.

Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength and thrive. NewYork: Guilford Press.

About the Author
Mary C. Hufnell, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist who has held positions related to clinical training, providing clinical services, and graduate school teaching over her years at Gallaudet University in Washington, DC. She is now retired from Gallaudet. She provided counseling/therapy and psychological assessment, for a time, in private practice as well.