Life is Bittersweet
My aunt was turning 70. She had invited us (my mom, my sisters, her daughter, and a few others) to join her birthday celebration in Savannah this past March. It was fun to look forward to this special occasion, and to anticipate the opportunity to gather. We had not been together in over two years as she lived on the west coast and Covid limited everyone’s travels. We ordered personalized tote bags and koozies to celebrate her 70th and were a week away from traveling to Savannah to experience the “sweet” moments of life. But the Saturday prior to the trip she called early in the morning, with the news she was diagnosed with cancer. The trip was canceled. We were all shocked. Life shouldn’t be this way. My aunt immediately started treatment for her cancer and fought hard for eight months. She passed away this week. Life is bitter. Life is hard.
This past year I read Susan Cain’s book Bittersweet and listened to her on several podcasts. One of the useful things I took from her was the idea that pain and joy travel together making life bittersweet. And for most of us we would rather pain be an exit ramp that we experience for a short period of time and then we return to the main road that is just joy. But the reality is pain is always on the main road traveling with joy. Life tends to be melancholier than most of us want to admit.
In sessions with clients when we talk through grief, I often ask them to tell me a few stories about this person or how did they impact your life? My aunt impacted my life by opening my eyes more to the idea of travel as adventure. She flew me out to the west coast the May after my college graduation to drive with her across the United States. She was moving and needed a travel buddy. I had the time to be her travel buddy. We hit San Francisco, Reno, Salt Lake, Colorado Springs, Cheyenne, Rapid City, Sioux Falls, Madison, Toronto, Lake George, and Boston. I am proud to say she was the only one to get a speeding ticket. If you know me, that is a real accomplishment for me to drive that far without a ticket. Possibly, some of the best advice she gave me was “if you get to the point in life when you can afford to have someone come once a month to deep clean your house do it.” I have done this, and it has been self-care to me. When my life is full and I come home to a clean home, I will think of her.
I am not sure what the past years of your life have held for you. I am not sure what bitter moments or grief you have walked through or are still carrying. It could be a passing of a loved one, a loss of a job, a breakup with a significant other, a challenging health issue, a kid that continues to experience hardship, or longings not met. Whatever it might be, you know it is there, you are familiar with it.
Suleika Jaouad in her book, Between Two Kingdoms, states, “grief is a ghost that visits without warning. It comes in the night and rips you from your sleep. It fills your chest with shards of glass. It interrupts you mid-laugh when you’re at a party, chastising you that, just for a moment, you’ve forgotten. It haunts you until it becomes a part of you, shadowing you breath for breath.”
Questions to consider in dealing with grief (person, job, relationship, or longing):
· What is your grief trying to tell you?
· What are good moments or your favorite stories with the person you lost?
· How did the person impact your life?
· What are your regrets?
· What feels uncertain?
· What feels unfair?
· What are you afraid you might forget?
· What comfort do you find in the grief?
I had a friend share this analogy about grief with me that I think could help you too. Grief is like being on the local train in New York City and you would rather be on the express train. You know you are going to get through it, you are moving, it just is going to take longer and you are going to experience several stops.
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